Let’s just go right into the dirt.
My emotions are extreme, there is no in between. I have no control over my emotions. This lack of control led to destruction. I destroy myself more and more every day, knowingly and willingly.
Oftentimes what has taken me to where I landed was because I purposely ignored my gut feelings. Yes, intuition. I live in perpetual denial.
I am extremely upset. So fucking upset and this feeling so familiar to me and its utterly consuming. I keep finding things out about people who I was supposed to trust and at this point, I am without a doubt unstable and unsafe. This extreme is so scary and really I just wanna give in to it. I’m so tired.
I’m literally ruining my own life
through my feelings. They take over my body and I’ll set fires, I destroy priceless, sentimental possessions. I wreak the havoc inside me on everything immediately close by to my physical space. I am war and I am rage and I am afraid of myself for myself and for others.
I’m tired and I’m so hurt.
has always been the most horrible thing you could do to me… I’ve been so absurdly honest and what for? Just to be dragged around in the dark and the cold all through being told of the promised land- the happy future, having it all. feeling love and being love and making love.
I feel like I’ve been robbed…
Where do I start? I’m trying to make sense of the last 5 years and what I’ve done and how I ended up here- living in an apartment with people who I don’t know, who I don’t matter to and who don’t matter to me. The worst part about it is that I did know one these people. I knew one of them and I was in such intense denial about who they really were and who I really was and now we’re here. I hope I never have to seee him again. At this point I don’t know who’s the crazy one anymore. Am I the crazy one because I’m so fucking paranoid? I always felt like this person was always out to get me. From the moment we met, from the moment he weaseled himself into my life, I felt the off-ness.The stench was undeniable but I just burned some incense around it and dressed it up with crystal magic and an astrological map to my subconscious. Poison, poison, my heart knew and I let the illusion of grandeur get away from me, away from my control. Since I allowed this person to enter my life so many horrible fucking things have happened all around me and to me and to everyone. It’s getting worse and worse and honestly I almost just set my whole apartment on fire. In my rage I set this person’s bed and pillows on fire. I sat there watching it spread, smoking my cigarette. Maybe I was on the phone? Who knows, but I called the only person I knew I could call. Let’s call him Mr. Montana (to protect his privacy as well as my own)… He calmed me and he talked to me and honestly I was surprised. I expected him to be upset that I was bothered by the person. This is another story for another time though…